All the Broken Pieces
by Jocasta Silver
Summary: When Marian turns to lyrium to protect her family, she didn't foresee the consequences it would bring. Female Warrior Hawke/Anders


All the Broken Pieces

Author's Note: So this a companion piece to Fractured Glass centering around Anders' and Marian's relationship.

Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own _Dragon Age_. Bioware owns it.

" _It is hard to understand addiction unless you have experienced it."_ -Ken Hensley

When Marian first started observing templars, it was ostensibly to protect both Father and Bethany, because no one was ever going take either of them away to the cold, lonely cages that were the Circles if she could help it. After all, "know thy enemy" was vital to ensure the family's safety. It wasn't until after her father died of a pain in his heart that had been beyond her sister Bethany's meager healing skills, that Marian snuck her way into the shadier parts of Lothering to meet with Shade, a stocky, black haired dwarf who could acquire anything the villagers desired, as long as they didn't inquire to deeply about where the products came from.

"You'll want to take it once a month to gain the abilities, although of course it does take practice to utilize templar abilities."

Marian nodded and handed over the coins. "Thank you. I'll come back when I run out of lyrium."

Shade almost appeared as if he were about to say something else, but clearly thought better of it. "And remember, you didn't get this from me."

 _"This is perfectly normal,"_ Marian told herself. However, she was unable to hold back a prickle of unease as Shade handed her the bag containing lyrium, one of the most potent and addictive substances in all of Thedas.

…

Her sister Bethany wasn't happy to discover that her sister now smelled of lyrium. "Don't you trust me not to turn to blood magic? I was trained by Father."

"Of course I trust you," Marian reassured her. "I decided to learn these skills so I would understand what we face."

Her answer satisfied Bethany, although she then had to fend off Carver's asking to also be a templar. Marian put her foot down, and declared that one lyrium addicted person in their family was enough and fortunately, her mother backed her up. So, Marian honed her new abilities and waited for the day when Bethany was discovered and the templars came for her.

…

Then came the day, Carver thought it would be a brilliant idea to enlist in King Cailan's army. So, Marian enlists so that she can keep an eye on her reckless brother. Her mother is beside herself about two of her children walking into danger, although she understood Marian's reasons for accompanying Carver.

"Take these," Mother gently handed her a hamper of lemon bars. While, her mother wasn't the best cook, she was excellent at baking lemon bars, which they rarely ate when the family got a windfall and were able to afford the cost of buying lemons which were shipped by boat from Antiva.

"Thank you Mother." She hugged her mother tightly. "We'll do both you and Father proud."

Her mother smiled, in spite of the salty tears rolling down her cheeks. "I know you will."

Carver hung back deliberately, but Marian could discern from his posture that he was just as sad to leave home as she was, no matter how hard he attempted to conceal it through a surly, standoffish demeanor. After she reluctantly extricated herself from her mother's embrace, Marian nodded to Carver, and they began the long walk to their new life in the Ferelden army.

…

Marian swore as she tried to assist her mother who hadn't needed to run since they'd moved to Lothering, while fending off darkspawn. At least, she had Bethany and Carver tag teaming to keep the worst of the darkspawn off them. Plus, her mind kept flipping back to Ostagar, where she'd fought just to save her brother from the endless onslaught of darkspawn. Then, they'd struggled to out run the darkspawn to Lothering. Fortunately, her mother and Bethany quickly packed their meager belongings and Marian's family was on the road within the hour they arrived. Being able to pack at a moment's notice was one of the few side benefits of having an apostate in the family.

Then they stumble upon a couple who are doing the same thing they are; trying to outrun the hoard of darkspawn descending upon Lothering. And of course one of those people happens to be a templar. At least he possessed a sense of humor.

Then Carver decided to charge an ogre and ended up smashed on the ground, with his life bleeding away faster than Bethany could heal him. The templar, Wesley, actually prayed for her brother and commended him to the Maker. The other templars she encountered were more focused on hunting down apostate mages, instead of caring for others.

It seemed cruel that the one decent templar she'd met was doomed to die. When the time came to decide Wesley's fate she said to his wife, Aveline, "This is your choice to make, not mine."

She'd reached out and gently squeezed Aveline's hand afterwards. The ginger haired woman flinched, but then gradually she'd smiled slightly through her tears.

…

While her mother Leandra grumbled about Uncle Gamlen squandering the family fortune, Marian and Bethany worked hard to pay off their debt. When Marian encountered Varric Tethras, a part of her was tempted to write off his expedition into the Deep Roads get rich quick scheme as too good to be true. Then again, she needed to make some kind of income to prevent Uncle Gamlen from evicting them from his hovel.

So off she went to acquire the maps of the Deep Roads from a former Grey Warden named Anders. She wasn't expecting said man to be incredibly handsome with chestnut blond hair, and a chin with a light peppering of stubble that Marian suspected was partly by design. Plus, she rather liked his plan to rescue a mage from the templars, even if it was risky. Their valiant were in vain, since Karl was already Tranquil, and whatever Anders did to briefly bring the man's mind would soon fade.

In her heart, Marian knew what her response had to be. "I would rather die than be made Tranquil. Help him!"

Anders' eyes grew misty with tears. "I thought I could help you, but I got here too late. I'm sorry, Karl. I'm so sorry."

"Now, it's fading!" The desperation in Karl's voice made Marian's heart crack slightly. Suddenly, the man entire demeanor changed back to submissive. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Anders stepped forward with the dagger Marian handed to him, and briefly, caressed Karl's face with his left hand. "Good-bye." Then he stabbed.

Karl gasped, and fell forward. Anders caught the other man's body, and gently laid him on the floor. "We should leave before more templars arrive."

No one spoke on the way back to Anders' clinic; not even Varric felt like saying one of his witty quips.

…

When they arrived at Anders' clinic, he explained that he'd agreed to merge with a spirit of Justice and it went awry. After, Marian reassured him that his status as an abomination didn't bother her in the slightest, he asked, "I was wondering how you seem to be able to utilize templar abilities?"

Marian blushed. "I sort of started as a way to protect my sister, Bethany. You don't need years of fancy training to use templar abilities. You just need some experience at sword fighting and a steady supply of lyrium."

She waited for him to scream that she was no better than the ones who took away Karl. Instead, he said, "That's actually kind of sweet that you learned to protect your sister."

"Thanks, I thought you would hate me…"

"No!" Anders yelled. "I couldn't hate you. Not when you've been so helpful. My maps are yours, and I will work with you if you need my skills as a healer."

After they arrived at the hovel, and the others split off to return their abodes, Bethany asked, "You like him, don't you sister?"

"Well, maybe," she admitted. "But I don't know. He's probably still grieving for his boyfriend's death."

"Wait! How do you know that Karl was his boyfriend?"

Marian shrugged. "The way he looked at Karl is like the way Mother looked at Father when we realized he wasn't going to get better. Plus, I am better at picking up social cues than you are."

Bethany looked down her hands. She knew that she'd lagged behind Carver and Marian when it came to making eye contact, understanding sarcasm, and making small talk.

"Hey, you are doing good at communicating with others," Marian reassured her.

Her sister sighed, "And none of the men or women I'm attracted to notice me. They always chase after you."

Marian gave Bethany's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Someone will find you attractive someday."

Unfortunately, Bethany didn't look convinced of that as she walked back into their uncle's hovel, and Marian took her mabari Sorcha out for a run.

…...

Anders didn't understand it; he should despise Marian for being no better than the templars who tore him away from his family and sent him to the Circle. However, she protected her sister and helped him in his task to recover Karl, even though it failed in the end. After several months of grieving, it felt as if the weight of his former lover's death was slowly moving off of him. He would miss Karl for the rest of his life, but it didn't prevent him from developing feelings for Marian, with her lovely brown hair, and fierce but loyal demeanor. If only he could find to courage within him to confess his feelings for her.

…

Marian groaned as she noticed Merrill and Bethany were mooning over each other again. Now, it did not bother her in the slightest that her baby sister's girlfriend practiced blood magic, but having two thirds of her team acting starry eyed made her decide she was only bringing one of them on the Deep Roads expedition. That way her team was actually focused on the job. And if this meant she could put Anders in the group, well, no one had to know about her less than platonic feelings for the healer. Initially, she'd held back out of respect for the grief he must be experiencing over his lost lover. Now, she wondered, if he was trying to hint that he wasn't interested without being rude about it. Marian tried to put Anders out of her mind and focus on the upcoming expedition into the Deep Roads, such as the supplies they would be required to stock up on and the expected dangers that Varric enjoyed regaling them about.

"Fine, I guess you'll have all the fun big sis," Bethany muttered when the day to leave finally arrived. Bethany then kissed Merrill on the lips, which only sent a pang through Marian's chest concerning her lack of a love life. Ironic, given that she'd been sought after by several men and women back in Lothering. After hugging Mother good-bye (she seemed to do that a lot), Marian, Anders, Merrill, and Varric marched off into the Deep Roads in search of their fortune.

…

"It's all my fault!" Marian screamed, salty tears streaming down her face. "I should have brought Bethany with me. Then they wouldn't have put her in the Circle."

"It's not your fault, it's the whole bloody system," Anders tried to reassure her. Ironic, that he was comforting a non-mage about the injustice of the Circles.

"I was just so jealous of her and Merrill, and now they won't ever be able to be together again, because of I just had to be so Maker damned selfish."

Instinctively, Anders reached out and wrapped her arms around Marian, allowing her to sob into his chest. After several minutes, she calmed slightly, as if his arms were the only bright light in this wasteland she found herself in.

When she finally extricated herself from his arms she said, "I'm sorry I ruined your outfit."

Anders shrugged. "It's nothing that a little bit of magic won't fix. Besides that's what friends do for each other right?"

Marian looked at him skeptically before finally replying. "Yeah, right."

"What?" He couldn't understand what she was hinting at, unless….

"If you aren't interested in me, just say so!" Marian yelled. "I suspected you and Karl were once involved, so it didn't seem fair to make a move while you were still grieving? Unless, you're just no interested in me?"

"No!" he replied. "I'm bisexual, and I do feel attracted towards you, it's just I'm not sure this is a good idea. With Justice and the templars breathing down your neck."

"Hang the templars," she retorted, before reaching forward and kissing him briefly. After a few seconds of shock, Anders' body responded by encircling his arms around her waist. This was the kind of passion he missed where love and desire mixed to provide a powerful draught, that he hadn't truly felt since Karl.

When they finally broke apart he said, "I need to think about it. I know that's probably not the answer you wanted but, I can't lose you. Not like I lost Karl."

Marian nodded in sympathy. "Take all the time you need Anders. I will wait for you."

…

Of course, they went through another crisis that utterly destroyed Anders' confidence in his self-control. When, she managed to run after him, he was sorting through his meager belongings, which included a small, homespun pillow.

"Anders…"

"Don't, I almost killed an innocent girl, because of what I am!" His expression was desperate as if he saw no escape from the monster he perceived himself as.

"Anders, you did stop, which shows you have quite a bit of self-control," Marian said. "I'm not sure I would have been able to stop."

Anders glanced at her and his pile of stuff several times before he finally replied, "Fine, I'll stay in Kirkwall, for now."

…

Once Anders allowed himself to calm down, he realized that it wouldn't be fair to leave Marian since with Bethany in the Circle, they lacked a skilled healer. The events in the Gallows were upsetting, but like Marian said, he'd managed to hold himself back. However, he and Marian were at odd impasse where they were both were aware of the other person' feelings, but were reluctant to make a move. Anders was about to screw up some courage and head to the Amell estate, when he noticed Marian approaching.

"So, what are you doing with that bowl?" she inquired.

He smiled. "Putting out milk. I miss having a cat around. Unless the refugees have driven them all off or eaten them."

"I came to talk about us, Anders. I know you needed time to think, however in light of recent events I would like to make an offer to let you come visit tonight, and see how things go from there. If you don't show up, then I'll understand that you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship and I'll stop pestering you." With that, she abruptly left him alone to muse on her visit and ultimatum she gave him. There was no question in his mind that he was attracted to Marian and the feeling was very much mutual. While a part of him that suspiciously sounded like Justice felt that she would be a distraction, Anders felt that staying away from her would be just as distracting. Moreover, the only patient he treated after Marian's departure was a man looking for treatment for a sore throat.

When he entered Marian's room after Bodrick opened the door to the estate for him, Anders noted that she was dressed in pink tunic outfit with leggings that extenuated her lovely curves which weren't as voluptuous as Isabela's, but still were lovely. "You're here," she declared. "I wasn't sure you would come."

"Justice doesn't approve of my obsession with you. He believes that you are a distraction. It is one of the few things on which he and I disagree."

"If you hadn't come I'd be out looking for you," Marian admitted.

Anders stepped forward and gently cradled her face with his hands and gazed into her wise hazel eyes. "When I was in the Circle, love was only a game. It gave the templars too much power if there was something you couldn't stand to lose. It would kill me to lose you."

"You aren't going to lose me," she declared.

"No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love," Anders admitted. "This is the rule I will most cherish breaking." This time, he moved forward and kissed her passionately, only move apart to take in air. Marian eagerly pulled him towards the bed, laying down on it with him on top. As eager as Anders was to join with her, he did have to make a quick inquiry.

"Um…have you ever done this before? Had sex I mean?" he asked, after they began to undress with Marian muttering curses about how complicated his outfit was to remove.

"Once, with a neighboring boy," Marian replied. "It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best experience I've had."

Anders privately vowed that he would show her how wonderful and passionate sex could be, as they moved to join their bodies together.

…

Afterwards, Marian found herself smiling more than she'd had in her whole life. While, she'd known that her so-so experience with Milton behind the barn didn't live up to the potential of how potent sexual intercourse could be according to Isabela, her experience with Anders was amazing, and beyond what she'd imagined. The blond man lay back as if he were sleeping from the exertion. Marian noted that he was a little bit thinner than she'd like, and made a mental note to have Orana bring him up a sandwich, so he would receive some proper nutrients for a change.

Suddenly, Anders stirred and opened his eyes. "Was that fine?" he asked. "It has been awhile since I've slept with anyone."

"It was wonderful Anders. Actually, I was wondering if you would like to move in with me. Especially since Mother seems fond of you."

"You mean that you would tell the world that you love an apostate and will stand beside him. What will Knight Commander Meredith say?" Anders inquired.

"Meredith can go suck a lemon," Marian said, and winked playfully.

"Yes then," Anders said. "So, do you think you're up for another round?"

Marian grinned. "Sure, especially since I don't have to figure out how to get that stupid outfit off you."

…

Of course, the calm started by the beginning of their relationship was destroyed by a yet another crisis that resulted in Leandra's death at the hands of a blood mage obsessed with raising the dead. As Marian sat on her bed, she noted Anders' cautious approach.

"I know that you've been through some awful stuff lately, but if you need to take it out on me, I'll understand."

Marian shook her head. "I'm not pissed off at you. I'm pissed off at the stupid templars. If they actually did their jobs instead of obsessing about non-existent blood mages, Mother would still be alive today. On the other hand, if they actually did their jobs you and Merrill would probably be dead, so I guess it balances out."

Anders flopped down on the bed beside her and simply held her as she cried her eyes out. After several minutes, Marian disentangled herself from her lover, and asked. "Anders? Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

Anders frowned slightly. "Depends on what you mean by 'the right thing' exactly," he said.

"I've been utilizing lyrium for years now, and I never really thought about the long-term effects of it until we spoke with Samson." She hated the possibility that she would lose all her memories of Carver, Mother, and Father as time went on.

"I actually don't know much about since templars aren't that enthusiastic about sharing information about lyrium," Anders replied. "Although I do know that templars who have served for all their lives are retired and sent away to easier jobs, like providing a back-up force to villages. You would probably have to speak to Samson and offer a sizable bribe to learn more."

"Thank you," Marian said, simply content to lean back and fall asleep with Anders beside her.

…

Samson's hazel eyes regarded Marian thoughtfully. "So, you're anxious to learn what toll the lyrium will take on your body in the long term."

"Is there some way to lessen the impact of the lyrium?" She'd gone from taking it once a week back down to taking it twice a month, and Marian was more irritable the longer she went between doses. To Anders, this was proof of her addiction, which thankfully wasn't as advanced as Samson's.

"You could try ceasing to take lyrium, but it does carry a high risk of death. Even I wouldn't do that."

"We'll take it under advisement," Anders replied, anxious to leave this man who was picture of what the woman he loved could become.

Marian was reluctant, however once she caught his expression they left for the Hawke estate. "You're afraid that I'll end up like that," she said, once they entered her room and settled on her bed."

"If I lose you like that," Anders said.

"That's why I've lessened the dosage back to twice a month." Marian turned away from him as if the desperate expression on his face pained her.

"Do you think you could cut lyrium out completely?" Anders suggested.

"No! You heard Samson. If I don't ingest lyrium at all, I could die."

"And if you keep ingesting lyrium, you'll lose your mind!" When he caught a glimpse of her face, streaked with salty tears he backtracked, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset, but the thought of you losing your memories reminds me too much of how I lost Karl."

"I can't let go of the lyrium completely," Marian admitted. "However, I will attempt to go back to taking lyrium doses once a month."

It's not much, but it is something. So, Anders gently comforts Marian, while trying to put his own fears to rest.

…

When the Chantry is destroyed and they run to the Gallows to protect the mages, Marian ignored Fenris and Varric, and let Anders stay. Both she and Merrill sit together with the blonde apostate who is shocked that he is still alive. For once, Anders didn't shudder from the black-haired blood mage's touch.

"I love you," Marian whispered before the battle against the templars.

"I know," Anders replied. "And maybe someday, fifty years, a hundred years from now, someone like me will love someone like you, and there will be no templars to tear them apart."

Of course, Orsino thought it would be a great idea to transform into an abomination, and had to be brought down by a combination of herself, Anders, Merrill, and Bethany, who was happy to fight by her lover's side once more. However, it was when Meredith transformed into a petrified statue, that Marian made the resolution to quit taking lyrium altogether.

…

Being on the run from both mages and templars wasn't ideal. Plus, Marian was out of commission on her worst days without lyrium. Anders was tempted to convince her to start taking lyrium again. Then he would remember that, she had chosen to face this struggle to break free of her lyrium leash.

One morning, she walked up to him and admitted, "I feel better than I've felt in months. I mean, going without lyrium took a toll on my body and mind, but I think I've stepped out to the other side of the addiction."

They spent the day celebrating with a warm soup Marian cooked from some fruit she managed to purchase the last time she managed to sneak into a village during one of her lucid phases.

…

Then, Varric decided to call her back to assist with the Inquisition, and Marian was faced with a small dwarf who resembled Varric enough that she easily guessed they were related. After pointing out to Varric the merits of revealing said relationship with Malika, she ended up meeting with Cullen.

"I've quit taking lyrium," she admitted when she noticed he had the pained look of withdrawal. "It was a pain in the ass for the first few months, but now I'm lyrium free and I'm happy. Just stick with it for a few more months."

"I'm afraid that what I'm doing will negatively affect the Inquisition," Cullen replied.

Marian smiled then. "You're doing an amazing job Cullen." Before leaving him to his work. After they had their mishap through the Fade, and Stroud was left behind, Marian said her good-byes and went home to Anders, who welcomed her home with kisses and hugs. It was then, that Marian realized what she said to Cullen was true. She could protect those she loved without relying on lyrium.

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this one-shot. Please read and review.


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